It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the below is real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!
Trevor Zegras is off to a fantastic start with the Philadelphia Flyers, having scored 21 points in 20 games. This start puts Zegras up there with Peter Forsberg, Danny Briere, Jaromir Jagr, Tony Amonte, and Jeremy Roenick, who all had 20 or more points in their first 20 games as Flyers. This is elite company for Zegras, who was traded to the Flyers from the Anaheim Ducks over the summer for Ryan Poehling, a 2025 second-round pick, and a 2026 fourth-round pick.
Zegras’ impessive start is great news for Flyers general manager Danny Briere. Briere did not pay a high price for the former Ducks star, but the move was still seen as risky by many due to Zegras’ poor production over the past two seasons. Zegras has brought a burst of offense to a team that has struggled to score. Despite this great start, some Flyers fans are still dubious. Speaking to these fans, they had been too hurt by the past 15 years of mediocrity and were not ready to believe.
Sean O’Shawnessee from Roxborough expressed doubt about Zegras’ role as a center. “I mean, they have to basically tie him up to Christian Dvorak, what kind of life is that? Zegras should be allowed to roam free. He should be allowed to float the ice and accept all of the responsibilities and troubles that come with being a center.” When asked if he was a little high, O’Shawnessee looked up with his red eyes and said, “Oh, most definitely.”
Ryan Buddy from Upper Darby was picking up his usual Wawa order of a 3 cheese hoagie (reduced fat swiss, extra sharp provolone, pepper jack) with extra mayo and pepper shooters on top. Ryan did not like that all Zegras did was provide offense. “Oh yeah, sure, he scores a bunch of points, but where’s the defense? This team is the second best in goals allowed this season, why aren’t they number one? Zegras needs to do more than just score.”
Eileen Allez from Port Richmond did not care for Zegras’ hair. “I like my hockey players tough, ya know. Can’t be having any of these hippie dippie long-haired guys. Bobby Clarke, Dave Schultz, Frank Bialowas, now those were MEN. Those guys were hockey players!” Allez did not respond when it was pointed out that all of the players she mentioned had long hair and lit up another Marlboro Light on her front stoop.
Doug Skeeter from Bluffington, NJ expressed disappointment that Zegras had not already signed a long-term contract for the league minimum before the season. “You see Sidney Crosby out here signing contracts below market value for the good of the team every couple years. If Zegras really was a true Flyer, he would sign for 7 years at league minimum now. Just seems selfish to me.” Skeeter then went back to hoarding all of the discount Tastykakes at Acme before anyone else could get to them.
Vincent Sgradevole from South Philadelphia near Oregon Avenue expressed frustration that Nic Deslauriers wasn’t getting more playing time. “They got one tough guy and they barely use him! What’s the big Frankenstein guy, Deloogers, get, like five minutes a game? Teams are beating up the Flyers, it’s ridiculous. We used to be the bullies, now we’re the ones getting bullied!” When asked what specifically he did not like about Zegras, Sgradevole did not seem to know who the newest Flyer actually was. “Is he the Russian kid? No? He’s not one of the old guys, is he? I don’t know, I don’t really watch much. I don’t know him. When does the Eagles game start?”
While most Flyers fans are excited about the Zegras era, it appears that their young center still has a ways to go to win over everyone.